![]() ![]() This whole section would benefit greatly from a good check up.) Now, I understand that it is in plan (and happening in the present or did you mean for a future narrator to tell it in the past?) but it is pretty, pretty unclear. Until the beginning of the mission, I was convinced that all that had happened in the past but was poorly written. (In general, you mix past, present and future verb tenses a lot, and it is pretty unclear. "We'll try to use him only if there is no other choice." -> "We (removed "'ll") try to use him only if there is no other choice." "In a few moments, Nomolas created Al-Kamija from bare air." -> "In a few moments, Nomolas created Al-Kamija from thin air." (I'm not a native speaker either, but doesn't the expressiona ctually use "thin"?) It was Nomolas, the first jinn." -> "At the beginning, the Ancestors believed that the Abyss was a place of primitive chaos - until they summoned the first magical being, a true dweller of that different world. "At the beginning, the Ancestors believed that the Abyss is a place of primitive chaos - until they summoned the first magical being, a true dweller of that different world. We can summon this power to our world - and that's the reason we are called Summoners." Our entire arsenal of known magic comes from the Abyss. We can summon this power to our world - and that's the reason we are called Summoners." should maybe be "The Ancestors discovered the Abyss - another world (removed "that") full of energy, where time and space have no meaning. our entire arsenal of known magic comes from the Abyss. "The Ancestors discovered the Abyss - another world that full of energy, where time and space have no meaning. Sharif: "Is it true? Have you stop them, young man?" should be "Is it true? Have you stop ped them, young man?" He didn't have a carpet, yet his feet never touched the ground. ![]() I have never seen something like this." should maybe be "I was here as always when this strange man arrived from north-west. He hadn't had a carpet, yet his feet never touched the ground. Meric: "I was here as always, when this strange man arrived from north-west. I don't understand how you were able to entrap such a powerful entity in a tiny container as this one." (removed the coma, de-inverted verb-subject and changed auxiliary) I can't understand, how were you able to entrap such a powerful entity in a tiny container as this one." feels wrong, shouldn't it be "What amazing workmanship. There shouldn't be a comma in "It's time to check, if the rumors are true or not." Also "trail" is more fitting than "trace", and it should be our steps not our's steps.Īerius: "What amazing workmanship. It should also be catacombs not catacumbs, and 400 years have passed, not 400 had passed. When Mehir is at the gates, he should say: "I remember how they taught us about the Time of Beginning." and not "I remember how they teached us about the Time of Beginning." In the slide after that the last sentence should be "the high council had decided to send Mehir.to look into the matter" not "the highest council had decided to sent Mehir.to look into that matter" In the next slide the last two sentences should be proofread, too, but I don't know how to fix them. "has become to fulfill" is bad grammar, and should probably be "was fulfilled", but i'm not quite sure about that. ![]() "And that is how the dream of young city guard has become to fulfil", after saving the saurians, isn't quite right. ![]()
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